Forgiveness is Hard

(this is the second in a series of Lenten Meditation on forgiveness — for background, resources, and an approach to using these meditations, please check the About the Meditations page)

Prayer
Patient, compassionate God, open to me the heart of forgiveness. Fire in me the courage to see honestly my true needs and those of others. Inspire in me creative responses that claim and champion our shared humanity. Give me grace to forgive and to accept forgiveness.

Meditation
Forgiveness is Hard: In their books Healing Life’s Hurts and Don’t Forgive Too Soon Dennis, Sheila, and Matthew Linn present forgiveness as a grief process, with all the stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Real forgiveness is both a grace and a work of faith. It’s much more than a quick, unfelt apology that leaves nothing resolved.
Where forgiveness is needed, something has been lost: peace of mind, sense of self-worth, trust, perhaps even a life. We grieve losses. It is our human way of coming to terms with changed realities, rebuilding what we can and embracing new creation. It’s a process we all are capable of, given the support of community (friends, family, church…) and a willingness to take it a step at a time.

When we have been deeply hurt, it’s hard to imagine real forgiveness. The hole that has been ripped into our being is too raw and painful, so painful we may even hide it from ourselves, denying our loss. When we do look at our hurt, anger is a normal feeling, and that doesn’t seem to move us toward forgiving — but it is there and must be acknowledged. The “if only” thoughts of bargaining don’t get us to unconditional love, but “I’ll forgive you if …” may be a step toward understanding our real needs. Perhaps we’ll feel depressed thinking we can do nothing to meet those needs. None of this looks very promising when you’re in the midst of it, but it is all normal and necessary and it does build the foundation for acceptance and freedom for creative responses. It’s a process. We can come through to forgiveness as we lean on our community, trust the process, do our work and let God work in us.

Call to Mind a time when something new and amazing came into your life: a clear recognition of your passion, a new love, a child adopted or born, an acceptance of being forgiven. Savor that memory. Let it rise up and feel it again as well as you are able in this moment.

Imagine that feeling is a warm quilt, full of the love of many hands that created it. If you have a cold place, a hurt that is shutting down some part of your being, wrap it in that quilt. Bundle it up. Hold it, not trying to fix anything, just being with the hurt and need and trusting that renewal and new creation will come.

Check-in with your feelings. Are you relaxed, or clenched up? What thoughts arise? If this exercise helped you, bask in it just a moment more. If not, let it go and move on.

Gratitude, Hopes, Prayers: Reflect a moment, maybe even write down: what are you grateful for, right now? what hopes rise up in you? do you have a prayer you would offer to God?

Psalm 124
A Song of Ascents. Of David.
1 If it had not been the Lord who was on our side
—let Israel now say—
2 if it had not been the Lord who was on our side,
when our enemies attacked us,
3 then they would have swallowed us up alive,
when their anger was kindled against us;
4 then the flood would have swept us away,
the torrent would have gone over us;
5 then over us would have gone
the raging waters.
6 Blessed be the Lord,
who has not given us
as prey to their teeth.
7 We have escaped like a bird
from the snare of the fowlers;
the snare is broken,
and we have escaped.
8 Our help is in the name of the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.

Benediction Prayer
May I know, again and again and always, that God loves me. May I grow in trust in God’s peace that passes all understanding. May I receive the love and strength of community as I live each day’s trials and joys. Amen.

Two Hands

(this is one in a series of weekly Lenten Meditations on forgiveness — for background, resources, and an approach to using these meditations, please check the About the Meditations page)

Prayer

Patient, compassionate God, open to me the heart of forgiveness. Fire in me the courage to see honestly my true needs and those of others. Inspire in me creative responses that claim and champion our shared humanity. Give me grace to forgive and to accept forgiveness.

Meditation

Two Hands: Forgiveness is the immune system of the soul. Just as we all get sick — it’s just part of living — so we all need to forgive and be forgiven — it’s just part of living. The immune system targets the enemies of our health: bacteria, viruses. But when it’s confused it targets our own wellness and destroys what it should protect. Forgiveness targets the enemies of our soul’s well being: shame, violence, bitterness… But it too can become backward, a soul-crippling doormat reflex that denies the full humanity of both the one wronged and the one who has offended.

Healthy forgiveness never denies anyone’s humanity. The viruses it attacks are not other people but the falsehoods and power imbalances that hurt and oppress. Barbara Deming writes that

… nonviolence gives us two hands upon the oppressor — ‘one hand taking from him what is not his due, the other slowly calming him as we do this.’

This is the healing power of forgiveness. It takes away the deepest power of shaming, physical violence, betrayal. And it is non-violent; it’s the opposite of getting even. Its power to disarm rests in recognizing everyone’s full human dignity—one’s own and also the full human dignity of all others: those who have wronged you, those you yourself have wronged. It is a profoundly spiritual practice.

Call to Mind a time when you have felt closest to God, completely loved, centered in a deep peace. Savor that memory. Let it rise up and feel it again as well as you are able in this moment.

Imagine sending that well being out to someone you are not at peace with. Maybe not the worst person in your life just now — forgiveness is a practice and we don’t make our first run a marathon — just someone that it’s not easy to love. Imagine yourself wanting peace and love and trust for that person.

Check-in with your feelings. Are you relaxed, or clenched up? What thoughts arise? Are you able to keep, or reestablish touch with your peaceful, beloved center?

Gratitude, Hopes, Prayers: Reflect a moment, maybe even write down: what are you grateful for, right now? what hopes rise up in you? do you have a prayer you would offer to God?

Psalm 123

A Song of Ascents.

To you I lift up my eyes,

O you who are enthroned in the heavens!

2 As the eyes of servants

look to the hand of their master,

as the eyes of a maid

to the hand of her mistress,

so our eyes look to the Lord our God,

until he has mercy upon us.
3 Have mercy upon us, O Lord, have mercy upon us,

for we have had more than enough of contempt.

4 Our soul has had more than its fill

of the scorn of those who are at ease,

of the contempt of the proud.

Benediction Prayer

May I know, again and again and always, that God loves me. May I grow in trust in God’s peace that passes all understanding. May God strengthen my two hands and be known in my touch. Amen.